7:00am Wake up and karate chop the snooze button
7:30am Lie in bed debating whether you should get up and exercise or not. You probably should because you didn’t do anything for the last few days, and you ate those lollies yesterday (mmmmm, lollies). But you’re sooooo tired, so maybe you shouldn’t because you’ve got another massive day ahead and need any energy you can find to get through it. But maybe exercise will give you energy? But what if it doesn’t…
8:30am Jump out of bed and run around like a blue arse fly (does that count as exercise?) trying to slap some make-up on and find a top that doesn’t need ironing, ready for your 9am Zoom meeting.
9:05am Apologise for being late to the meeting due to an unfortunately timed update on your laptop (a convenient cover up for the fact that you were waiting for the milk to froth for your coffee – NOTHING takes priority over your morning coffee).
9:42am Zone back in to the meeting and realise you’ve been on autopilot and have no idea what’s going on. You can’t believe you’ve done it again, and you don’t understand how it happens – it’s like when you’re driving and have no recollection of how you got to your destination. It’s amazing – somehow you manage to respond at the right times, and so somehow you manage not to kill yourself or alert people to the fact that you’re not listening to a word they’re saying.
9:56am Zone back in to the meeting again, having spent the last 14 minutes trying to figure out why you zone out and how autopilot works.
10:05am Freak out because you’re not sure what was discussed in the meeting and what you need to action.
10:07am Make a snack.
10:30am Crack on with some work, simultaneously berating yourself for not exercising again and worrying that you’re not going to deliver everything you’re supposed to. Start to mentally create a contingency plan, in case people find out you’re winging it and never want to work with you again. You’re sure it’s only a matter of time until that happens, so you need to be ready – you’re not willing to accept the fate of being a fat lonely old cat lady who’s only pleasure in life is a daily ritual of receiving and returning useless internet purchases.
10:40am Pop out to the post office to return the broom handle extender and avocado preserver you bought earlier in the week.
11:30am Get back into your work. Decide you won’t allow yourself to have lunch until you finish this proposal.
11:40am Grab a quick snack – you need energy to finish the proposal.
1:00pm How is it possible you still haven’t finished? This should have taken you an hour, tops. You’re STARVING.
1:05pm Make a quick sandwich – you’ll just have to work and eat.
1:30pm Have a minor panic attack after receiving a call from your colleague to follow up on a report they’re waiting for. Tell them you’re actually just wrapping it up so will send it across shortly – and have heart palpitations as you open up a blank document to start it.
3:30pm Call your colleague to confirm they received the report, as you haven’t heard anything from them. Say, “That’s weird as I sent it like 10 minutes after you called. Have you checked your junk folder?” Tell them you’ll forward it again, trying to ignore the guilt that in reality you only finished the report a couple of minutes ago. Resolve that it’s better to tell a little white lie than expose your utter incompetence.
3:40pm Have a quick look on Facebook while you wait for the coffee and lollies (just a couple) to hit your blood stream and ride you through your daily afternoon energy slump, so you can finish the proposal.
4:30pm Emerge from your Facebook rabbit hole when you hear your partner’s car pull up in the driveway. Scramble around trying to hide the lolly wrappers and make yourself look busy.
4:35pm Give your partner a quick kiss and tell him you’ve had a massive day and you’ve got an urgent proposal that’s just come in, so it looks like you’ll have to work late again but you’ll make it up to him.
4:40pm Give yourself a virtual kick up the arse to just get this damn proposal done. Why isn’t it done? You feel like you’ve been busy all day, but what have you got to show for it? And now you’ve put another nail in your relationship coffin – another reason for him to trade you in for a younger, thinner, more reliable model. One step closer to becoming fat cat woman.
6:00pm Get distracted as the aromas of dinner start permeating your office from the kitchen. You feel guilty that he’s having to cook again – but you really hope he’s making enough for you.
6:30pm Apologise again for letting your partner down, as you smash the delicious dinner into your face at your desk. Assure him you’re almost done and you’ll join him very soon.
7:45pm FINALLY hit send on the proposal and celebrate with a glass (or three) of wine.
8:45pm Fall asleep on the couch and dribble all over the cushion.
10:00pm Get woken by your partner and drag your arse to bed without passing Go. Eventually fall asleep, having stripped away a few more shreds of self-esteem by checking social media to see how much better everyone else’s lives are compared to yours.
10:45pm Move through the dream layers – past the never-ending to-do list and impending deadlines, and on to the doors of a magical land.
A land where you’ve achieved everything you want and you have no cats. A land where fears of failure and letting people down don’t exist. A land where you always know you’re doing your best, and that’s good enough. And a land where you can just stay focused and get shit done.
Your dream is so vivid, it’s as if it could almost be real…
What if it could?