FUCK NO. Sales calls are TERRIBLE. Let’s be honest, most of us would rather lose our virginity again than do sales calls. From start to finish the entire process is excruciatingly uncomfortable.
On the face of it, it might look like you’re trying to gain a customer, but in reality what you’re seeking is validation. Validation that you’re worthy of being in their presence, and validation that you are indeed worthy of being alive.
As far as you’re concerned, if you don’t make the sale your entire business will fall apart, your partner will leave you and you’ll die fat and alone – apart from the seventy cats you share your home with. So basically, your entire future and the future of your family is all riding on this sale.
Jeez, it’s no bloody wonder you don’t want to do it – that’s more pressure than being on a bus with Keanu Reeves.
Fear not my friend. There is a solution. According to the hundreds of thousands of sales experts on the internet all you need is a sales process and a sales script, and then you’ll be closing like a boss – your business will grow exponentially, your relationship will flourish and you’ll live a long and happy life with the perfect body.
Happy bloody days!
Finding the right sales process for you can still be a little daunting though, so to help you out I thought I’d share the one that I’ve been using for years. Of course please feel free to adapt where necessary to suit your personal style, but this will give you a good foundation of what to expect.
Step One: Procrastinate. Find as many alternative tasks as you can that must be done before you can get to the call. If you’re stuck for ideas, try re-organising all the folders on your computer, drinking an excessive amount of tea, conducting “market research” on Facebook or purchasing novelty office supplies online.
Step Two: Once you’ve exhausted all other options, it’s time to prepare yourself for “The call”. Ensure you have everything you need laid out within easy reach – a pen and paper for taking notes, all information regarding your offer and a paper bag for when you hyperventilate.
Step Three: Take a moment to compose yourself and catastrophise about all the things that could possibly go wrong during the call. What if you say something stupid? What if they don’t like you? What if they say no? What if you accidentally let out a little burp during your pitch?
Step Four: Do a little bit of sick in your mouth, breathe into the paper bag to calm the ‘f’ down, and run to the toilet for a final panic poo.
Step One: If your prayers are not answered and they pick up, sound startled and forget their name.
Step Two: Commence with awkward small talk by enquiring about their day and remarking on the weather.
Step Three: Answer everything they say with, “Awesome” and “Faaaaantastic”, coupled with an uncomfortable chuckle.
Step Four: Run them through the format of the call and let them know what to expect – “So today [INSERT NAME], I’m going to take you through a process that is designed to break you down to your lowest point, and then show you why your life won’t be worth living unless you buy from me. Does that sound ok?”
Step One: Keep asking questions about them and their situation until you can find a vulnerability. Then, like a scab on your elbow, keep picking at them until you expose the wound – extra points if you make them cry.
Now I know this might sound harsh, but it’s absolutely for their own good. You see, even though they might not know it, they need what you’re selling. People buy on emotions, so by turning them into an emotional wreck you’re simply helping them to make the right decision.
Step Two: Now it’s time to hop into your DeLorean and take them on a tour of their future. First stop is the slums of the future – where they don’t buy from you, and rot in their own filth. Next stop is millionaires’ row. Here, they do buy from you and life is everything they could possibly dream it to be. There are fountains of champagne, topless models tending to their every need, and all the inhabitants are fatter and uglier than them.
This is it. Time to make your move.
Step One: Let them know that they’ve made the cut – you’ve weighed everything up and decided that they’re one of the chosen ones, and you would be willing to sell to them.
Step Two: Now it’s your turn to take the spotlight. Tell them absolutely everything you possibly can about the thing you’re selling. Leave no stone unturned. This is important, so you can justify your price – and of course your own self-worth. Don’t stop talking until the first part of the conversation seems like a distant memory, and the prospect hasn’t said a word for at least twenty minutes.
Step Three: Present the price. And then re-tell them absolutely everything you possibly can about the thing you’re selling. In fact, why not just discount the price now to save them having to ask.
Step One: Overcome their objections by throwing in some more free shit, and “create urgency” by letting them know that your amazing once in a lifetime offer is only available today – because once your marketing team (aka your cat) gets wind of it they’ll take it away, as it’s such a crazy deal.
Step Two: Tell them it’s ok and you completely understand it’s a big decision.
Step Three: Send them an email with all the information so they can think about it and not come back to you.
Step Three: Cry and eat the fuck out of chocolate.